Celebs

Concertgoers in adjacent rows would like a word.

Folks, we all know the bathroom lines are long at concerts. But Noah Kahan is pleading: 

Please don’t poop anywhere other than designated bathroom areas.

Unfortunately, for folks in adjacent rows, someone apparently pooped at their seat at Kahan’s concert in Philadelphia at Citizens Bank Park on Friday.

“If you have to poop at a show please dear god just go to the bathroom lmao,” the Vermont native tweeted the next day. “I’ve pooped my pants as much as the next 29 year old but you guys gotta understand there’s a venue worker out there with a 1000 yard stare after dealing with that.”

He added, “I sh— myself onstage in Charlottesville but that’s because I am dedicated to my craft.”

He also posted to an Insta story: “Holy s— Philly.”

One apparent concertgoer shared an explainer of what happened via Reddit, writing “Ok so the person who did this was one row in front of me in section AA. I guess they didn’t want to miss a couple songs to use the bathroom so they just straight up s— themselves (mind you not liquid or anything in case anyone thinks this was an accident) and started picking…”

People, please. We have to stop that sentence right there. For the full sordid details, you’ll have to read the post on Reddit or via various screenshots around the internet.

The bathroom lines are a torture we all must endure together. This man is playing Fenway next week, and the Fenway maintenance crew does not want to deal with that.

Let’s not make this a trend. 

Olivia Rodrigo recently called out fans who wore diapers to keep their front row seats.

“I have been to certain concerts and certain festivals where people wear diapers so that they can be front row … and that’s been an experience as a performer that I have smelled,” she said during an interview with UK radio show KISS Breakfast. 

Adult diapers are apparently something some Swifties have done for years.

Porta-potties are nasty. Bathrooms lines may make you miss a song. But by god, do your civic duty and stand in them.

Using the toilet isn’t Kahan’s only request this week. Stop stealing street signs in his hometown, too. 

Kahan said fans have been “repeatedly” removing the Alger Brook Road sign — he mentioned the road that he used to live on  in “The View Between Villages” (“Past Alger Brook Road, I’m over the bridge/A minute from home, but I feel so far from it”).

The issue came up at a June town select board meeting, according to the local paper, The Herald. Kahan’s mom, Lauri Berkenkamp “offered to pay for the replacement and to ask Noah to ‘post something asking his fans to knock it off,’” the town paper reports.

Kahan listened to mom, apparently, and posted an Instagram story: 

“I’ve been informed that the Alger Brook Road sign in Strafford has been repeatedly stolen. It is a total disrespect to the folks who live on that road and a headache for the town to deal with. I used to live on Alger Brook. I hate that because I put the road name in a song that some people have taken that as an invitation to disrupt the lives of the hardworking and kind folks who frequent it,” he posted.

“To Stafford folks or select board members, please get in touch with me or my amazing mom and I will pay for any replacements and hear out any potential solutions,” he wrote. “I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.”

Whew. So that’s no pooping the seats. No stealing signs. Now let’s give this poor dude a break from making more rules this summer. 

Lauren Daley can be reached at [email protected]. She tweets @laurendaley1, and Instagram at @laurendaley1. Read more stories on Facebook here.

Lauren Daley

Lauren Daley is a longtime culture journalist. As a regular contributor to Boston.com, she interviews A-list musicians, actors, authors and other major artists.

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