Love Letters

There’s a difference between breakup songs and divorce songs, Love Letters writer Meredith Goldstein argues. Do you agree?

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First, links:

This is a Big Day wedding story about music fans, with mentions of Carly Rae Jepsen and Billy Bragg.

This is a Dinner With Cupid blind date featuring two film fans – who also enjoy shishito peppers.

In Love Letters, this was a question about dating when you’re a long commuter rail ride away from the nearest big city.

Have your own question about dating, relationships, friendships, or other human issues? Send your own letter to the column (it’s anonymous). Just use this form:

Play ball

There’s a new Love Letters podcast episode today. It’s about sports and love, and it features Boston Globe sports columnist Christopher L. Gasper and romance novelist Tessa Bailey, who’s written a bunch of best-sellers, including stories about hockey, baseball, and golf. 

If you like sports, this episode is for you. If you find sports boring, this episode is for you.

Divorce music

A year or so ago I wanted to make a “divorce playlist” for a friend going through it. 

It was a difficult task, because I wasn’t looking for songs about breakups. A breakup song isn’t necessarily a divorce song.

Breakup songs, to me, are about rejection (feeling/causing it); the kind of heartbreak that feels literal; yearning that won’t go away; anger after being hurt by a lover; or the spiritual high that comes with moving on.

Divorce songs? I believe that while they can allude to those feelings of loss and hurt, they also get into the minutiae of logistics. They take a few beats to mention finances or step-relatives.  

There’s also a quality in them that’s harder to describe, something that suggests the songwriter believed in the contract of marriage (or wanted to), and now has to figure out how to maintain their faith in the rituals surrounding love.

Three of my favorite divorce songs: 

• Sinead O’Connor’s “The Last Day of Our Acquaintance,” a beautiful open wound of a song in which she talks about going to an office, presumably to sign the papers 
• Outkast’s “Ms. Jackson,” which involves a lengthy list of logistics, on top of breakup shame  
• “Graceland” by Paul Simon, in which he sings about having a child from his first marriage on a road trip, during which he realizes that “losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow.”

I will admit: most of the divorce songs I know are pretty old. But now there’s Lily Allen’s “West End Girl,” released Oct. 24.

I knew it was an album about divorce because there’s been a lot of media about Allen’s split from “Stranger Things” actor David Harbour.

But even without knowing any details about Allen’s personal life, this album is laced with the exhaustion of divorce. She sings about miserable, vulnerable experiences in an upbeat voice like she did when I first heard her in 2006, with the breakup revenge song “Smile.”

This time, though, she also mentions details such as, the price of New York City real estate, dating as a single parent, and realizing you’re about to be 40.

My favorite songs on the album:

1. The title track, in which she discusses the rise and fall of her marriage (and the real estate issues involved).
2. “Sleepwalking,” in which Allen says, bleakly, “Who said romance isn’t dead? Been no romance since we wed.”
3. “Dallas Major,” in which Allen talks about trying to seek companionship despite being an exhausted mom of teens.

The collection of autobiographical songs made me want to revisit my playlist and add to it — not because I revel in the end of relationships, but because I like the silver linings. A lot of divorce songs have those too.

Consider Sting’s “I’m So Happy That I Can’t Stop Crying,” which does end with some beautiful closure.

I can also point to “Taken,” by Hayley Williams (of the band Paramore), a song that would have come out after the singer’s divorce. 

That’s one about finding a happy, giddy love with someone new. I love it.

“My feet won’t touch the ground beneath me. I’m flying but I’m not afraid to fall.” – Hayley Williams on “Taken,” from the album Petals for Armor, which I count as a divorce album.

My  request of you, recipient of this newsletter, is to tell me: 

1. Do you agree with my definition of a divorce song?
2. What are your favorite divorce songs? 
3. Can you think of a few that allow for happy epilogues and moving on?

I’ll compile.

Book club

An announcement for super fans of summer beach read queen Elin Hilderbrand.

I’ll be moderating her talk at Globe Summit on Nov. 18 as part of a day of conversations about “Revolutionary Ideas.” There are in-person tickets and virtual ones, so you can watch online.

Long ago

I’ll leave you with a visual for today’s podcast episode.

This is a picture of Chris Gasper and me at my 30th birthday celebration. At this point in the night, 18 years ago, I would have just consumed too many apple martinis, which is why I’m “happy crying” — a true emotional mess.

Chris was a few years younger and was just trying to keep me vertical.

This many years later, we’re still just two friends who can talk about “Gossip Girl.”

— Meredith

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